The RAW Blog

{Dear Diary} You Don’t Even Know What You’re Sorry For

I absolutely deplore insincere apologies. Why waste your breath if you don’t mean it. You’re not helping the situation by patronizing my feelings with thoughtless supplications and ingenuine words.

That being said, the situation that brought these pandering feelings to the surface is one that has troubled me since it happened in December of 2009.

I was supposed to be hanging out with a guy friend but it went too far. The thing about it is I don’t remember the sex. I don’t remember consenting to the sex. The last thing I remember is telling him to leave because I had just vomited on the side of my bed.

For some reason he has started to call me. Just to shoot the shit. And naively I’ve entertained this. Instead of just ignoring my phone I answer and engage in conversation. I don’t know why tho.

Were we friends before the situation? No, not really. I knew him because he was fucking my room mate, I wouldn’t call us friends.

Is he especially charismatic and entertaining to talk to? No. Its kind of like talking to a bored middle school aged boy who has just discovered what he can do with that thing between his legs.

Do you think he’s cute Rachel? He’s not completely unfortunate looking, but he’s definitely nothing special.

So what is it?

Possibly curiositiy. The question “why me,” circles my brain like its on a never ending carousel ride. Why are you calling me two years after that night? What do you think of that night? How do you remember it? Was it some magical sexual encounter or was it just a challenge for you? Were you just looking for the fraternal prestige of doing room mates? WHAT?

I DON’T REMEMBER A MUH FUCKIN’ THING!

That morning, to me, was the first time I really felt violated. That night was a complete and utter violation. I woke up, got my bearings, stumbled around my apartment alone and susceptible to… I don’t even know. I just felt open. Unprotected. Uncertain. Unhappy. Scared.

I admit that my own naivety is in part to blame but I really expected more from you.

But eh, its not like we were friends to begin with, or even really associates so I shouldn’t have expected anything, the situation described included.